When the right thing feels like the wrong decision
by TasK
Summary: Post 4x23. Kevin Ryan felt terrible after this horrible day, and went home, hoping to find some comfort. One-shot.


_Hi! Well, this is my first fanfic I'm publishing here, so, I would love to get some feedback. Have fun reading!_

_Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters._

* * *

How he hated himself. How he hated Beckett and Javier for not seeing that what he did was necessary. How he hated Castle for not picking up his phone when he needed him to.

He felt alone. Terribly alone. All three of them were gone. Castle just disappeared without a reason, and Beckett and Javier were suspended. Beckett even resigned. And he? He was the one left, he had been promoted to Beckett's place, and he had been given a couple of replaced cops to work with. Javier would be coming back in a week, but hell, how would they be able to work together when his best friend hated him?

He lay on the bed, his head hiding in a cushion, trying to ignore the world around him. Jenny wasn't home yet, but she could be coming home any moment. She was all he needed right now. Someone who took him in her arms, told him that everything would be alright, and that he would be forced to believe that, just because he loved her that much.

'Kevin? Are you home already?' Her soft voice startled him, and he managed to get a 'Yeah,' out. Men, he really was feeling messed up. He heard the sound of the clicking of her heals on the wooden stairs increase. She knew him, she knew that he would be there. He always would walk straight to their bedroom when there was something wrong.

'Kev? What's wrong?' He felt a pang of guilt ran though his body, when he saw the worried look on her face. Her beautiful face, the soft and smooth skin, those gorgeous eyes and god, how he loved her mouth, those amazing soft lips that made him weak in his knees when they touched his. He felt the bed dip when she joined him and crawled into his side .

'I screwed up. We all screwed up. It's never gonna be okay again.' He buried his head in her neck, in her blonde hair, taking a deep breathe, smelling the lovely shampoo she had used that morning.

'Oh Kev, don't be so pessimistic. We'll find a way.'

'No, not this time.'

'What happened? Who did this?'

'We all did. Castle never showed up, Beckett said he was off the team, without any explanation. Then she and Javier went out on their own, trying to catch a extremely dangerous guy that possibly killed Beckett's mom, without backup. I said I wouldn't join them because it was too much of a risk. And then they went out on their own. I tried to call Castle but he didn't pick up the phone. And then I went to Gates, asked for backup, and we went after them. I found Javier bleeding, knock-out on the floor, and I heard Beckett yell for help, so I ran up the stairs and found her there, hanging with her fingertips on the roof, and I was just in time to catch her, and then Gates suspended them and Beckett resigned and Javi won't talk with me anymore…' He almost chocked because of a lack of oxygen.

'Shh, it's not your fault. You did the right thing honey.'

'Yeah, but they don't see it. They don't f*cking see it Jenny! They all hate me because of what I did!' He jumped off the bed and started pacing, his right hand going through his hair, the left hand in his pocket. Jenny stood up and placed both of her hands on his upper arms, forcing him to stop. 'They have to see that you did the right thing. You don't have to make things right. Hey, look at me. You did the right thing.'

Her hands wandered upwards, cupping his cheeks, and her lips brushed his for a soft kiss. 'Just let it rest Kevin. They'll see tomorrow that they are all wrong and that you did the right thing' He nodded, and then he kissed her, a little too hard, filled with desperation. His eyes had turned a couple of shades darker.

'I need you, Jenny.'

'I know.'

They didn't make love. It was rough, hard, full of desperation, and she tried to calm him when he sobbed, tears streaming down his face. This wasn't about the pleasure, or about love. These were the raw feelings. This was the other side of Kevin Ryan. The man who wasn't able to talk about his feelings, or just could cry because he was hurt. No, he just needed his wife to be there for him.

'Thanks Jen, for being here.'

'Always.'

* * *

_Thanks for reading, and I would love to get some reviews/tips/etc. :)_

_x Natasja_


End file.
